Internal Musings

Crazy weird times we live in right now. And I'm in a state that has scarily increasing rates of this unknown virus, so I've been quarantining since March. It's getting old. It's hard. This is hard on everyone, and we all have our good and bad days. At some point life will get back to a reality we used to know, where we could leave our homes and not have to worry about our mortality rate. But that reality is a long way away. So I'll be vulnerable for a minute and express what's been in my mind for a long time but I don't talk about.

Like everyone else, I'm struggling. And I have been for awhile. 1st off, I'm quarantining alone. I have no family close to me, so I'm pretty isolated. I'm sure that sounds like heaven to someone who's been stuck in a house of claustrophobic children tearing up the house from the inside out on a daily basis. I can't say I exactly envy you that. But after 4 months of solitary isolation, it's not so fun. Granted, I do have a man friend who comes by most days and we spend the evening watching movies. Or sometimes working in the yard. And that's a nice break from the isolation. But, I'm still lonely.

I have friends, and people who love me. My closest friends just don't live in the same city I do. They're spread out all over the country, and we don't keep in touch on a daily basis, with work, and family, and children, and life in general things get busy and time passes before you even know it. Just how it goes when you get older.

But I'm lonely. I've never felt like I fit in. My entire life I have always felt like I was on the outskirts looking in. Never really belonging. I was quiet and shy, never the outgoing or life of the party person. Perhaps it's my quiet demeaner that always kept people at a distance. Or maybe I just have a terrible personality no one wants to be around. I wanted to be that person that drew people in, that made everyone feel seen and important. But that's not me. And I made peace with that a long time ago. I found a place where I was comfortable being on the outskirts, and it was fine. I made that me.

But I also learned a long time ago that reaching out to people did no good. I was always there if someone needed me, but when roles reversed, it was crickets in the desert. My struggles were not really important, and people had better things to do. Now, I do have a few friends who would be there for me in a heartbeat if I asked. And they have always been there for me. And I am so lucky to have those special few. But we have different life paths. And it's not always easy to relate when we're in different life phases. And I'm a stubborn redhead. It's also a family genetic trait.

Asking for help is hard. Especially when I've been let down so many times in the past and just gave up on people. As a result, I shut down and go quiet when I'm struggling. A lifetime of having it drilled in my head that no one wants to hear my problems, that I'm a burden on everyone, doesn't ever go away. It's an annoying gnat in the back of my mind that just wont disappear. Whether those pesky thought are true or not, they're always there in the background.

Elizabeth town is one of my favorite movies. I can't tell you exactly, why, but in some ways I can relate to the lead female character of Kristen Duntz. She refers to herself as being the substitute person. The one who just stands in until someone better comes along. And every time she's says that I think YES! I know what she means! She has another phrase in the movie that I love - I'm impossible to forget, but I'm hard to remember. Again, YES! I know exactly what she means! Everyone tells me I'm great and wonderful, etc, etc. Yet, I'm always alone. I have to be the one to reach out. Because if I didn't, no one would remember me. If I didn't make an effort then I'd absolutely have no one.

Perhaps it's my own fault. Maybe I have alienated people without realizing it. Maybe my quietness has led others to assume I don't need friends or people in my life. Or maybe it's all in my head and I don't see people reaching out to me but they are in some regards doing so. I'm not going to lie - I'm jealous of the people who say something on social media and within 5 minutes they have 100 people responding to them. I could say something profound - like I won the Pulitzer Peace Prize and it would take a week for 10 people to respond. But I also cut back a lot on my social media presence. Not good for my mental health to post my entire life on it. Only to be reminded that no one really cares. But social media is another worm hole I don't want to jump down.

I wish I was more eloquent to express how I feel and how I have felt for most of my life. And this virus situation has magnified those feelings more than I thought they would. The only way I can really explain is in the phrase "I'm impossible to forget, but I'm hard to remember."

Perhaps this sounds like I'm having a woe-is-me pity party. Or I'm whining like a spoiled child who isn't getting her way in life. That's not my intent. Right now is just hard. We are all dealing with this in our own manner, and have our own challenges. It's taking a toll on everyone. This just happens to be the toll it's taking on me.

I'm anxious to travel again - that is my sanity and helps keeps my depression away. It gives me a chance to run away from adult life and have fun - live in an alternate reality for a week or two where I don't worry about work, finances, every day adult life. Adulting is highly overrated. But it's also where I found my niche. Being on the outskirts while traveling isn't as hard as being on the outskirts every day of your ordinary life.

My purpose of this post is not to gain pity, or make anyone worry about my mental health. There are a lot of things I am very grateful for in my life and during this madness. I recognize that I am very blessed and lucky to be where I'm at with all this madness going on. But I'm struggling just like everyone else, and that's ok. I'm human and times are hard. Maybe somewhere out there one of the two people who read my blog can relate to this. Can relate to feeling like they've never belonged. And maybe us substitute people who are easily replaceable and hard to remember can find a niche together. We can become irreplaceable people who are easy to remember and love among each other.