The Weird and Insensitive things Nosy People Say

So, I've about had it with people. People say stupid things. They don't think before they speak. While we've all done that, I seem to be on the receiving end of these stupid comments all the time.

 I've been patient, I've tried to be tactful, but my patience has worn off. I'm frustrated, I'm tired, and I just can't do it anymore.

8 years ago, I met a charming, attractive Hispanic man. We dated, then proceeded to get engaged after a time. I learned really quickly to dread telling people I was engaged. The first question out of everyone's mouth was, "Is he legal?"

I'll delve into the many reasons why this is a totally offensive and inappropriate question later.

Now, when I say everyone asked me this question, I mean everyone. Some of you are probably thinking "Melanie, you're exaggerating. Surely not everyone asked you that." Sadly, I'm not kidding. I can count on one hand the number of people who did NOT ask me this.

So, what is wrong with this question?

For starters, it's incredible racist. You're automatically assuming that a Hispanic man is illegal. That's not ok. Would you ask me that question if he had been English? Australian?

Secondly, you're insinuating the only reason an attractive man would want to marry me is for papers. Wow. That's the ultimate slap in the face. Apparently the person I am doesn't have much value, other than helping illegal immigrants get paperwork. That's what every bride to be wants to hear.

So then there's the justification for the question: "Well, it's easy to get caught up in the moment. It's exciting when you're in love, and you don't always think clearly."

Huh. So, getting married. You don't think I would have thought about making such a big decision? You don't think I would have prayed and found guidance on if this is the right choice for me? Wouldn't I consider the possible future, the hardships and challenges that would have come along with making this giant, life altering choice?

Since this is the justification for that initially offensive and racist question, then no. You don't think I'm a competent person who would think through such a big decision. This becomes another slap in the face for me as a person.

But I took it. I smiled through it, laughed it off, and in the quiet of my room sobbed my eyes out. Apparently the wonderful person I thought I was, was actually pretty worthless according to all the people in my life. Apparently, I was seen as a last resort for someone desperate for papers. I was crushed, and felt so unbelievably alone. To say this experience was hard is an understatement.

But we got married. 3 years later, we went through a divorce. Divorce is hard. So hard. On top of that, I knew what everyone around me was thinking - he just married her for papers.

The reason for my divorce is no one's business but mine. Did my marriage have anything to do with legal status? NO!!!!!!!!!

Yet the comments, the questions, the insinuations came all over again. (Along with another set of horrible condescending comments on broken marraige. I'm not even going to jump down that rabbit hole of offensive and  inappropriate). And again, I was made to feel completely worthless and undesirable. Because apparently, the world thinks I have no value as a person. I had no idea I was seen as someone so

 unlovable.

I've been divorced for over 4 years now. I still get the occasional question on if it all had to do with paperwork. Once again, I'm being slapped in the face and punched in the gut. That question is hurtful. There is no justification you can make that will allow that question or comment to be ok on any level. If I wanted you to know the details of my divorce, I would tell you.

Plus, it's absolutely none of your business.

The point of this rant is not to ask for sympathy. I'm not looking for apologies, or compliments to make me feel better about myself.

The point is to think before you speak. Your thoughtless comment may come at the end of a string of thoughtless comments for someone who is beaten down. We also need to stop judging. No matter what you know of someone's life, or what you think you know of someone's life, I guarantee you don't know the full story. Until you walk in their shoes, you can never understand the full story.

We've all been on the receiving end of a rude, or hurtful comment at some point in our lives. No one wants to be made to feel worthless for a situation in life that only you fully understand.

So again. Please. Think before you speak. We need more kindness in the world and less judgement.