Losing My Mother

Recently I lost my mother. Even though we knew it was coming, it still didn't seem real. It's hard. It sucks. I don't think knowing it was coming made it any easier. How do you prepare for it?

You can't really.

It's not like losing a grandparent, or a friend. It's not something I really want to talk about either. But it feels like there's a piece missing from me. Perhaps it would be easier if I had a husband, or my own kids. But I don't think it would. I don't have those distractions to keep me occupied. And I'm grateful for that. I can really dive into the grief, sorting through the conflicting feelings and sudden bursts of sadness. I don't have to put on a face for kids, or a spouse. I can avoid cleaning the house, live on take out, and watch tv all day if I want.

Dinner has sometimes consisted of tacos. Sometimes dinner was chips and queso. More than a few times dinner was frozen custard. I use food as my outlet for all emotions. Then came the realization - there isn't any amount of comfort food that can make this go away, or make it better. 

And that made me sad.

Some days are easier than others. I hate being asked "how are you?" That's the worst possible question to ask. Just don't ask. If I want to talk about it, I will. Otherwise, assume I don't. Some days I'm a bit extra punchy. Other days I'm fine.

As time passes, I can't say it gets easier. I'm just learning more how to cope with that missing piece that won't be filled.

Yes, knowing that I'll see her again is comforting, and I'm glad she's in a better place where she isn't in pain and can hopefully relax in the outdoors like she loved. But that doesn't make the ache go away.